Thursday, January 19, 2017

Love, Barack

Dear Don

Well, I’ve sat down with pen in hand, as 43 Presidents have before me and written out a few thoughts and friendly advice you might be able to put to use over the next four years.  Michelle and I wish you the very best and personally, I look forward to kicking back with a pack of smokes without the irksome press snapping pics – gosh – they can be a real pain can’t they?  I mean those withering questions that they pound you with.  I know what you’re up against brother and let me tell you there is nothing more vexing then being asked to choose between ‘tastes great’ or ‘less filling’.  They really know how to make a guy squirm!

Anyway, I promise to be on my best behavior when I speak about your administration over at my new MSNBC gig.  I know you’ll understand that it’s just politics when I eviscerate your every move.  For what it’s worth, Chris Matthews has already been sending me chocolates and dropping hints about an invite to dinner at the new house.  And Rachel Maddow – well, we all have our crosses to bear.

So don’t take it personal when I call you a buffoon, arrogant, bully, blowhard, ignorant, racist, mean-spirited, dangerous, misogynistic, homophobic, fascist, McCarthyist, treacherous, xenophobic, clownish, foolish, oblivious, anti-American, proud, dumb, elitist, fake-baked President.  Heck – just the other day there was a headline that read, “President Obama Takes His Place in History” – like I was a part of history or something – rather than, you know – being the most pivotal Executive in the history of this hemisphere.  I think that’s something we can both agree on!

I do want to share a little nugget of really important advice that I think will serve you well.  The eight hole of the Congressional course has a mean dog-leg on your second stroke.  It looks like you can reach it with a seven-iron – but trust me, go with the five and remember that the green is really fast.  Boehner kicked my ass there the last time we played and I had to remind him that it would be a shame if his wife was audited this year.  Happy times!

Hey – don’t hesitate to give me a call if there is anything I can do to lend a hand in making your administration almost as successful as mine! 

Best (as in ‘I’m the’)


P.S. Sorry about the cigarette burn on the Resolute Desk.  A causality of a late night Final Four party a couple years back. 

P.P.S. Vlad’s number is saved on the speed-dial.  I’ve found he can really help a guy out in pinch. 

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